"If Some Loud Thunder isn't as consistent as the debut, it's an adequate follow-up that contains a handful of fantastic songs..." this from the 1/29 Clap Your Hands Say Yeah review... uh, dude, grow a set of balls AND an opinion. I'm pretty sure that there is no such thing as an "adequate follow-up," and that those words actually don't even make any sense. What are you talking about?!
Never willing to be accused of taking the middle of the road, Pitchfork Media vacillates wildly between their own private equivalent of the "shit sandwich" review, and, their newest trick, indecisiveness coupled with a little "I don't give a shit."
What, did you guys attend so many PR banquets, Meet n' Greets, and SXSW events, making so many friends in the "industry" that you're now afraid of stepping on the teeny, cowboy boot encrusted toes? Fuck you guys! It's your job to say, "this is good," or, "this isn't" - and the fact that you essentially give everything at least a little credit for fucking existing at all is NOT comforting or helpful. If you were reviewing yourself, I'm sure you would say, "Of COURSE it's not as good as it was in its heyday, but shit! these ARE the mediocre 2000's, and, it is, at the very least, something decent to reference the next time you're in a room full of lame mediocres - "Pitchfork says that TV on the Radio sounds pretty good" - I recommend trying that one. But here it is, and I'm the one reviewing you. And I have plenty to say, and plenty of reasons.
I'll be honest, guys- I don't actually require your opinion. Now, I know that it's unbeliveable, but I'm capable and chomping at the bit to be opinionated all on my own, and I know just as much about Timbaland, Aguilera, and K-Fed as the next guy (yeah, I know, you guys are like, "indie" rock but you like, reference stuff that's like, not... innovative). So the way I see it, we have two options moving forward.
I can either stop reading your fucking virtual fish wrapper, or you can give me a job.
31 January 2007
Pitchfork Reviews? "It's fine!"
30 January 2007
4th Down & 10, or, What the Fuck are We Talking About? and also, Martin Amis
1. Ladies, your footwear, by and large, totally sucks. I don't exactly have fucking stellar taste but I do know my boats and I'll tell you this: your boots are skanky. Real skanky. That goes for ALL of you. ('cept Phyllis. Your shoes rule.)
2. I just found out that my Amazon "wish list" is public. So that means that ALL of you can see all those books and dildos I'm hoping for? Fuck.
3. It has recently come to my attention that I've gone from a size six to a four. I've been making fun of the zeros for years, but all of a sudden I'm disappearing. Help. And no, I will not stop talking about it yet.
4. Uh... can I get out of my cell phone contract?
5. Last night, I saw Martin Amis speak at the 92nd Street Y. It was totally awesome. Norman Rush was there speaking too, and he was really interesting. For me, though, seeing Amis was definitely the highlight: I've been waiting for literally years!! He did not disappoint- was as hilarious and raucous in person as on the page. I'm going to re-read London Fields.
6.
29 January 2007
Now, I Move On, or, "she's in a better place."
Yeah, I know, I've heard.
I've also decided that I agree with Joshua that there are places on the earth which are geographically inclined towards utter lameness. Yeah, I agree.
Here are some things.
1. People seem to be simultaneously impressed and filled with disbelief at the notion of me constructing my own wedding gown.
2. I'm ready to make the switch to Cingular. I mean, AT&T. Or was is it Cingular?
3. Yes.
4. Where's my E.B.E.?
5. The show "Dexter" is wildly unbelievable and amazing.
6. Wanna lose 15 pounds? Have someone near and dear to you die. That should do it.
19 January 2007
CNN Does it Again
I am constantly impressed by their priorities - this, with no sense of irony:
"Viagra May Decrease Ability to Smell". Now, I'm going to take the high road here, and not crack the funny I was feeling a minute ago when my eyes perused this goldmine headline - but I will say this: it seems to me that your inability to distinguish between Chanel and Designer Imposters is a fair trade for the return of your hot rocks.
18 January 2007
Golden Globes
Yes, I watched some of the "Globes." Here are a few observations.
1. Helen Mirren is HOT, and she KNOWS it!!
2. Me and CNN agree: the British give better, funnier speeches than other races.
3. I didn't see the part where the girl from Ugly Betty won, but I read a blurb somewhere that was like, "Ugly Betty?! Not Tonight!" - No shit, dick. It's like saying that the "geeks" from Beauty and the Geek ended up being "really cool" and surprise! Oh GOD! one of them is ALSO a member of The Shins! Whoa! Reality: 'Tis not what I thought it 'twas!!!!!
4. On an unrelated note, Pitchfork makes me want to simultaneously throw up on myself and suicide.
5. I don't give a SHIT about either the writers or the cast of Grey's Anatomy (see my old Myspace blog here if you wish!!!) so PLEASE stop giving them awards!!!!
6. Why is it that ACTORS, who are PAID to act, suck so terribly at giving speeches? Except the British. Them bitches rules.
7. It's true. I'm not that nice of a person. I'm thinking bad things about you right now. Have you ever given me reason not to? Scat.
Tags:
awards,
celebrities,
film,
Grey's Anatomy
17 January 2007
Beloved Spam
Note the senders email.
Subject: Amplifying your dick with Penis Enlarge Patch is
> Reply-To: "Steve timm"
>
> Always dreamed of an immense dick? Penis Enlarge Patch can make
> your dreams come true.
> Turn over the page of your life with a small dick, and start a new
> one with a big penis and Penis Enlarge Patch.
> http://www.bemun.hk/ a/
>
>
>
Welcome back, bitchy face.
Happy New Year.
This blog is set up to be way more bitchin' than Maiden Voyager ever was.
I'm resolved.
1. This year, I'm taking karate. This means I will kill you if you look at me funny. For real.
2. I'm making my own wedding dress. Cool for so many reasons. I'm the best. So is Phyllis. My wedding is October 27th, 2007. I doubt very much that you are invited.
3. I recently composed and arranged a pop musical cut that can only be described as "..." So... "..."
