A Penny for Your Massive Fucking Brain

Here's our brand new puppy, the clever and beautiful Penny. She is about 12 weeks old, and about 2 pounds of pure bred Chihuahua love. Oh, our family is so beautiful!

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Two Fat, Fat Thumbs Up

Kevin Smith, filling in for Ebert, apparently calls "Black Snake Moan" the "best film of 2007" so far.

Well, dude, that ENSURES that I will think it sucks. You blow.

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A Word on the Cover Version, via Alanis Morrisette

Dear Alanis:

I was sitting in my dermatologist's office today (alas, I'm aging- time to have that wacky birth mark removed from my hairline) and heard one of your jams on their piped in. I mean, it was you singing- but no, it was not one of your jams. In what I can only assume to be an example of the lack-of-taste bazaar known as MTV Unplugged, you have, apparently and unfortunately, covered "King of Pain" by the Police.

Here's the thing. I really do like the Police. A lot. And, were I to be forced to choose a greatest hit, I would like rank "King of Pain" quite high, if not all the way at number une. So, first off, kudos for doing the lamest of the lame, covering a certified gold record in a lame attempt to garner yourself another hit. (Side note: it's worked, as I, a true despiser of your work, was forced to hear it at a doctor's appointment at 3:15 on a Monday afternoon!)

But, of course, before the song ends it gets worse: much worse, as my ears are forced to admit the unliked and impossible- you've taken the dreaded, the worst step of all. You've switched the "king" to "queen." Please, my mind assured me my ears had mis-heard- until I heard it twice more. Cringe. Please. Are you serious?

How long ago did you cover this? Ten years? Excuse my tardiness in noticing how badly you suck. I was too busy trying to forget you existed.

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What do These Two Have in Common?

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Make a Change, Make a Change, Make a Chicky-Change Change

I recently took up Karate and gave up caffeine. Sure, I just started this week, but, even if the effects are purely psychological, I have to tell you that they are quite noticeable and also rather powerful.

I definitely feel better and calmer. Is it the lack of caffeine or the wild new moves I'm learning? It's quite hard to say.

Oh, I'm quite engrossed in the X-Files, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, and also From Hell

Also: I cannot fucking believe that Lost is still on! Does anyone even watch it?

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Almost Valentine's Day: And New York City

So, next week is Valentine's Day. Give me a few minutes, be indulgent, and allow me to reminisce about LAST Valentine's Day. Last Valentine's Day, I was sick, and packing up my little house to move from Pittsburgh to New York City to be with my intended, who was, back then, alas, just my boyfriend. I was all alone and very sad, though hopeful for the future, and certain of the knowledge that I was making the right decision.

The day started out right: my baby sent me some of the most beautiful Stargazer Lillies I have ever seen. Man is he made out of a massive stack crumpled up stars! Know what else? He drove to Pittsburgh: showed up, days before his arrival was expected, merely, I think, to lighten my packing load, and to spend the night with me, the greatest thing that had ever happened to him. Oh, and he came with gifts. Poof! He mystically did what he mystically does.

Much of my life must remain private. I am a private girl, and believe me, you're probably too squeamish for the "what came next" bit, but I wanted to share this, my memory, of last year.

So yes it's true: this year is far better than last. I have a new and better (paying) job than before. Phyllis is a real find. My apartment is like, the greatest looking place ever. I killed Fat Stack. I have the smoking monkey magically off my back, I no longer live in Pittsburgh which is full of people I dislike (let's be fair and say it's "mutual"), I am engaged to the fucking coolest dude on the planet and yes, I MIGHT be one inch taller.

I've had some rough times. There was that stint in jail, among "other" things. All in all, when I reflect, I can only be thankful- and if I believed in blessings, surely I would count myself among the blessed.

I rule. Rock on.

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Prehistoric Love

Oh my god, this couple is the best!!!!


In a move that I can only characterize as "unheeded" and "truly fucked up," CNN reports that New York may soon ban the use of iPods when crossing the street. I would like to pitch the ban of retardation, too.

Dammit is Phil Collins ever talented. Also, I've heard three songs by him insince yesterday afternoon. And only one was on my iPod.

Oh, the glories of watching ABBA videos on YouTube!!!

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Molly Ivins

So, Molly Ivins has died. This blows because she was, really, one of the very Texans I really liked and respected. Fuck.

...Need I say, "she's in a better place"?

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