Songs that Didn't Used to Exist: 3/1/07 - 4/1/07

31 March 2007

Kathy Sierra

I try not to participate actively in the "blogosphere." In fact, I like to pretend that it does not exist. However.

Kathy Sierra, or, "popular blogger," has apparently SO incensed readers (male? Maiden Voyager thinks yes) that they have taken to sending her death threat comments, peppered, as they must be, in this violent, porrn-ridden blogosphere, with similar threats to Sierra's "cunt." Read it yourself at her blog. I just want everyone to know that, while I love both sex and violence, I don't think it's cute, acceptable, sexy or funny to threaten someone's life, regardless of what she is saying on the internet.

Go fuck off and die, would ya?

Ladies and Gentlemen

I present Vogue Bridal #2637
A/K/A,
MY WEDDING DRESS...

28 March 2007

"Foutains of Wayne sucks" - So Says Local Fishwrapper

So, Pitchfork just published their new review on the new Fountains of Wayne record. That's right. FOUNTAINS OF WAYNE. So, I just boned up on all the previous FOW reviews that Pitchfork has done, and, not surprisingly, since FOW is a 90's band and it's 2007, there are a lot of them. Like 5. Pitchfork Media may, in fact, have reviewed more FOW records than those of any other band in the history of the site! (Unlikely, but man I love the idea of starting that rumor!)

Butt seriously.

Pitchfork has, in the past, pretty much "liked" FOW. In fact, let me just: "Out of State Plates" - 5.9 (not great, but - hey! respectable) "Welcome Interstate Managers" (this is the one containing the interminable "Stacy's Mom") 7.5 (hey! not too shabby, FOWers!); "Utopia Parkway" - 5.1 (wow! a stinker, but only because the guy writing the review does not like "catchy" guitar pop - hey! that's not exactly fair, is it?); and. of course - there was FOW's self-titled, eponymous "FOW" which scored a STUNNING 8.9.

Well. The latest? A 3.0. What can I gather? Pitchfork was STOKED on FOW's first album. The review is like, giddy. It's also like 2 paragraphs cause the reviewer apparently HAD to get back to listening to more Fountains of Wayne asap. But over time, Pitchfork, dear Pitchfork, has tired of the FOW boys.

Pitchfork currently hates Fountains of Wayne for being pop. Look, I get it - it's tiring, and FOW, eleven years on, feels like they MIGHT just be churning out cookie cutter "hits" with shitty lyrics and bland power hooks.

Fine. I never liked them to begin with, so you won't find me defending them at all just to do so. But I will say this. I think Pitchfork has a hard time "trashing" anything these days which is even semi-cool, and so, Fountains of Wayne must've seemed like an easy target, a good way to squeeze in March's "super-shitty" review, since no one wants to do it for Modest Mouse, Ted Leo, or Devin' the Dude.

I know, I know, the album sucks. I'm sure that it does, but that's really besides the point, ain't it? I mean, they're a pretty easy target at this point, you're not taking any chances by saying that they suck cause your job, we all know, is to determine what's 'hip," and nothing that's been around this long can be hip for at least another, oh, two years. Just ask Ronnie Spector.

Let me make a long story short here and sugggest that maybe in the future you don't just trash shit for being "not your kind of music." Buddyhead was always better at that than you.

Why don't you just stick to indie rock? Leave Matthew Sweet and Fountains of Wayne to all the pussys and losers that like them, huh?

Jeez, I asked for a bad review and i got this steamer.

25 March 2007

I just made Hollandaise Sauce

For the first time ever. Apparently, I'm a totally awesome saucier, cause it was pretty great. Maybe next time, I'll use a tiny bit less lemon juice. Other than that: SPECTACULAR success.

Me on Pitchfork on Times New Viking,

OR,
The Alleged L.J.D. Serves Up Numberless Astute Observations on Why We Should Not Accept Words That are not Words, and Reviews that Make No Sense.

Saturday, Marrrrch 24th, 2007:
I am innocently cleaning my totally rad pad and all the while, Pitchfork Media is "publishing" their latest reviews on the latest the indie rock world has to offer. Now, I don't want to be accused of negativity here, but I must confess that I am at a bit of a loss when I try to figure out how long the editorrrs and writerrrs of Pitchfork Media spend, you know, editing and writing their reviews. Mayhaps not long, all things considered. Then again, how long have I spent "preparing" this one for the presses? Oh, less than 10 but I'll tell you one thing: there's more of a chance you'll piss the front of your pants reading this review than that one. Why? Cause I write better and I'm funnier. Enter proverbial ha ha here.

Don't know what a "proverbial ha ha is?" Nope, neither do I. And, I might add, if I were currently reading this review, I would be really pissed that the writer couldn't seem to get to the fucking point already. I mean, what the fuck is this review even about, even?

I'm tired, truly tired, of things that make almost no sense being dished out to me as if it were fucking Baudrillard reading me "A la recherche de temps perdus." I'm fairly certain that we are, collectively, getting much dumber.

Yesterday, I was talking to my fiance (alright, fine, I admit that he's the only "person" that I talk to!!) about an essay that I wrote (I'd guesstimate the year to be 1999. Annoyed by that guesstimate? Wait, I swear that there's a point) called, "Who Am I to Judge?" It was about a phenomenon that I had noted in my peers- a lack of willingness to engage in the act of critique- even in something so obviously deserving of it, such as, I believe my example was, Britney Spears. People, it seemed, just could not look at a thing and say, "I like this, here's why, and I don't like this about it, because..." This was very frustrating to me, because I was fairly certain that, for instance, I did not personally need to wait around for Kurt Loder or some dick at Rolling Stone to tell me that The Deftones did NOT kick ass and that "White Pony" ate it - I could see these things for myself. What I recognized was not the fact that people didn't like or dislike- they sure did plenty of that! but that they lacked the ability to judge in any way that was useful to themselves or hilarious to me. See, I like to hear other people's opinions of things, especially if they don't like them. Most of all, I like to read their thoughts that have been written down using clever and laughter-inducing words.

Pitchfork Media would seem to contradict that essay that I wrote in 1999 (after all, these are roughly my peers and there they are, criticizing), except for the fact that sometimes, their reviews are as bad as this one: more often than not, actually, I have to hear a whole host of things about the band or their audience or gear or looks or apparel- all things that have nothing to with the record at hand. There are a million other reasons I don't think it does the job it is supposed to do, but today, these are the ones I am thinking about. Later.

Wait, wait!? What about Times New Viking? Oh, well: "Apparently Tom Lax of the venerably awesome Siltbreeze label was minorly miffed that Pitchfork somehow missed Times New Viking's first album, 2005's Dig Yourself. So call this oversight correction, because I fucking love TNV. Dig Yourself was, famously, the first new release on Siltbreeze in a bazillion years, after Lax had mothballed the label that had brought us such head-rearranging 90s noise-rock totems as the Dead C's Harsh 70s Reality, Harry Pussy's Ride a Dove, and dozens more. Times New Viking, three pain teens from Ohio punning on fonts, are another remaindered irregular tweed suit off the label's rack."

That's the entire first paragraph. Sweet grammatical acrobatics. Here's the rest. Enjoy.

Buzz Word that Ain't One: "Bazillion"and just as a bonus: "teenpocalypse"

Update: Saturday Acquisition

The immaculate Collection

23 March 2007

Recent Acquisitions (Madonna Records I Own Now)

22 March 2007

Library Thing

I'm a Library Thing fan from way back, and now that they've made it to the New York Times, they likely do NOT require my advertising. Still - it's like, the greatest website ever. Seriously.

Me on Pitchfork on Palomar

brand new

Let me just:
"twee as fuck"
"rock the fuck out"
"adorability" (yes, that's right, you've 'not-a-worded' us)

Ugh.

Two words: Tuna Sandwich.
Fuck Vous.

21 March 2007

My Feet Hurt

Because I'm wearing 3 inch heels.

Oh wait: at least my fucking feet weren't bound on the whims of a fetishistic culture!

Weird, my fiance and I were just talking about this recently... AND he loves WIRED.

Whoa. Government Denies Knowledge.

You Know Me: "Suspicious of Bullshit Ornamentation"

Lookie here

Pitchfork just reviewed the new Ted Leo and the Pharmacists cuts. Here's a few choice snippets:

"it's honorable the way Leo has opted to grow his audience and his songwriting talent organically-"

"I like that he's got ethics and ideals that go beyond lifestyle choices."

"I like that he sees writing the most compassionate song possible about eating disorders as a political act, because it is."

Okay, it's time for me to once again review the review.

1. Are you fucking Ted Leo? Cause it sounds like you are. If you're not, you might want to try, cause you've obviously already got his balls in your mouth.

2. What's "honorable" about growing your audience "organically"? What are the alternatives? Payola? That's like saying it's honorable he's not dishonorable. Sweet observation, cunts.

3. With key words "organically," "ethics," "ideals," "politics," "lifestyle choices," and "obvious humanist," I thought I was reading something off of one of the Slow Food websites, or, at the very least, the blog of a wise-beyond-her-years vegan 14 year old girl. Call me cynical. Go ahead.

4. When it gets down to it, the "critic" doesn't really like this album very much. Good, I'm sure I don't either. But you didn't have to make it so hard to be sure what the fuck you were saying, did you? God.

5. Re: my first point. I'm pretty sure none of these descriptors really fits "Ted Leo" OR his backing group. I'm pretty sure "rocker" and "indie-dude trying to impress a tight crew of pussy" is more like it. Of course, I don't know Ted Leo as intimately as the reviewer seems to, but in my experience, "obvious humanists" in rock are generally "total cocksuckers" in life. Just saying.

6. What's the "most compassionate song possible" about an eating disorder? How are you entitled to make such a value judgement? What is "the most compassionate song possible" - what does that even fucking mean? Did you compare it to the loads of other songs "about" eating disorders? What about the ones I wrote in 10th grade? Oh THAT'S RIGHT. You meant the "most compassionate song" possible written by some totally famous blow hard. Yeah. Well, John Mayer wrote the "best song possible" about my "body" being a "wonderland," too.

7. "I like that he's got ethics and ideals that go beyond lifestyle choices." Well, I would like it too, I'll bet, if it even made one lick of sense. Well, it does not, so let me commence making fun of this sentence: I have no idea how "ethics" can really go beyond "lifestyle choices" as ethics is wholly concerned with conduct. I guess you mean that his "ethics" and "ideals" bleed into his song writing, but really, whose don't? What are you talking about? If I have to hear one more thing "you like," - I'll move beyond my ethics and... nevermind. But seriously: everyone has ethics; even people with bad ones. You're not really saying anything.

This album sucks. And I have not even heard it yet.
Remember how the last one sounded like everyone involved in the project had been chewing too many coca leaves? That was hilarious. You know, whoever-the-fuck wrote this, YOU should be a little more "suspicious" of "bullshit ornamentation" cause you really dropped the balls on this one. And by that, I mean testicles.

Also

OMG

Seriously: God might exist!!!!

Triceratops on Wikipedia

Today's featured article kicks ass!!!!

20 March 2007

Me On Pitchfork on Modest Mouse

Oooooohhhhh Isaac has recruited that dick from The Shins for vocals on a jam or two. I'm touching my pussy already and I haven't even heard a note.

Yeah, that's totally meaningless in the context of the review for . Or IS IT? I mean, the review certainly is masturbatory to the point of being... erotic. As if.

"What was even more astounding was the fact that Modest Mouse-- mob cries of "sellout!" notwithstanding-- didn't really compromise their sound for mass consumption"

Alright. Right. What's so fucking astounding about this? Huh? Just because they didn't start writing Bobby Brown-style raps you tout them as totally awesome? What gives? I mean, the masses DID seem to like them just the way they were, right, so why should Modest Mouse need to "dumb down" the act any for them?

Oh, that's right, this is an indie rock review, for people who like to believe that "their" bands have "something" to sell out- that their version of pop is somehow different than B. Spears. Well, I can point out a few differences: indie rock is normally produced and written worse, and comes with less dance moves. What's so great about that?

By the way, there's pretty much nothing indie-rock about recruiting Johnny Marr. He's awesome, but quite, you know, "famous."

Here's the skinny- I don't really like Modest Mouse, but I sure as fuck would rather hear them on the radio than Sum 41, and I'm totally stoked for them that they can make a living doing something besides office work, unlike myself. But for you fuckers to think that they are or ever were doing something that the mass population "couldn't get" is stupid. It's giving yourself too much credit where literally none is due. Modest Mouse has always been poppy, catchy, and has always employed tricks galore to pull fans in by the dozens. So go fuck yourselves for being amazed that they've kept their integrity through popularity. What little integrity any of us was blessed with should not be fodder for reviews.

What you should observe for once, is the fact that indie rock was, for once, successful in betting on the right horse, because this band was always destined for moderate fame, the way that J. Timbs was always destined to bring sexy back. Fuck you.

19 March 2007

Uhh

Okay, I'm pretty sure she is peddling real estate here. Either way, I like it!!!

Records

Yes, these are the Madonna records that I acquired this weekend. I'm thinking about getting the newest ones next because I've decided I really like the songs. Should I be embarrassed? Nope.

15 March 2007

Madonna

I've decided to indulge my childhood fantasy of owning every Madonna record ever to exist anywhere. Why? Uhh... nostalgia? Anyway, here's what I've achieved thus far towards that end:

08 March 2007

Our Wedding Registy

Yes, it's true!!! We have one now!!

So if you want to buy us a gift, or merely spy on us, head over to Wedding Channel and check out what we're fixin' to have in our New York style loft.

A Word on Baudrillard

So yes, it's true, Baudrillard has "gone to a better place." Would that some of his ideas could!!

JK!!!

Last night, my fiance and I got into a discussion on the topic of post-modernism. For my own sake, I read up in the subject. Yep, I still don't like it!

Fashion Photos? Maybe

My combined love of staring and despising what people are wearing really meet up over at The Sartorialist.

For real, though, the pictures is fantastic.

Right On in the Cold

So last night, thanks to my friend Natalie, my belief that everything is not in vain was reinforced. WHAT? WHY?

Well, honestly, its just nice to see that people still do needlecrafts, and oh my god, she's bloggin' too! Natalie lives in Pittsburgh, and we used to sling pizzas together.

It gives me something to read at work that's more informative than PerezHilton.com and less inaccurate than Wikipedia.

Like I always say, 'right about now, funk soul brother."

06 March 2007

Review: Madonna The Confessions Tour

Watched this last night. Totally amazing way to spend an evening with your loved ones. Like going to the circus without having to move.

Concerns:
1. Why did she not call it "Confessions on a Dance Tour?" It took me about 43 seconds on the subway to come up with it. Me likey.

2. What's that weird crotch thing she has going on? That space looks gigantic.. her legs are so skinny!

3. Related to the above, the white and purple bodystocking is not flattering, even on the best of bodies.

4. Jonas Akerlund is terrible. ADVICE: The dancers are the best part of the show, far and away. The moves they do are impressive, without your constant interference, cinematography, effects, slo-mo, and heart shaped boxes. I know you were handpicked by Esther herself but dude, grow a pair and stop sucking so bad.

5. I don't see what's so controversial about her hanging from that cross. I liked it, even if the crown of thorns was one c-hair over the line, as far as I'm concerned.

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