Songs that Didn't Used to Exist: 4/1/07

30 April 2007

You Straighten Your Hair, Don't You,

Avril Lavigne? It looks like you do.

Yup. I'm not probably going to let this go anytime soon. The video for girlfriend sucks tiny little penis so hard. Where's the youtube for Sk8r Boi when I need it? Fuhhhhck.

Updates: Other posts I've written about Avril Lavigne, just for kicks:

A Letter to the "Editors" of Rolling Stone 13 July 2007

Loves It 11 July 2007

Your Dear Media 6 July 2007

Vindication: Avril Lavigne, Lush, and The Rubinoos = Lawsuit 5 July 2007

Avril Lavinge's "Girlfriend" 30 April 2007

Hey! Hey! You! You! 23 April 2007

Holy Crap

Mere hours after my first post, Pete of "Babyshambles," Kate Moss and drugs fame scores some fresh headlines. What a ride!!!

Ceci n'est pas une pipe

Pete Doherty and Kate Moss, Britain's favorite "power couple" (sure, yeah, if you consider shit teeth and teensy thighs powerful - and, god knows, I do) are pulling some serious ink (and by ink, I mean 'headlines' in the on-line version of STUFF! Oh yeah...) these days.

Sure, Pete's article is about how he openly admits to still using crack on a daily basis, and that the habit was so bad that he used to have to sell himself for the stuff- but ..... no longer, mates.

Because Kate Moss, also a marquee-caliber crackhead, now has her own range of bloody good fashions at TopShop. Weeee!!!! Lines for everyone!! If only I were ace enough to be her friend, I'll bet I could shave off that extra stone for my wedding!!!

We're so British! Brilliant.

We don't care what anyone says about our drug habits, because you know why? No one actually minds, as long as I keep on setting trends and selling threads for total dickheads.

You guys suck dick. Also, please note that the articles in themselves, especially the one about Ms. Moss, are totally detestable pieces of trash as well. Big ups to Lenny for digging up the "Doherty gold," as I like to call it.

Update: Dunst: 'Spidey 4' without us? 'It'd be a big flop'

CNN, courtesy of Reuters: "Although a "Spider-Man 4" movie is not yet on Hollywood's drawing board, Kirsten Dunst says a sequel without her, co-star Tobey Maguire and director Sam Raimi would be a box office flop." Dunst, A/K/A this guy's favorite actress, sticks the nail in the coffin of the idea of "Spider-Man 4" without ANY of the principle actors (who was puporting to do that?!) further when she quips to EW (that's Entertainment Weekly for people outside the 'biz,' Dunst kindly informed me), "Audiences aren't stupid. It'd be a big flop without me, Tobey or Sam."

In a CNN exclusive Investigative Report (which means we investigated stuff and collected clues just like real reporters from the old days- Wolf Blitzer had me say that- he's SO smart), we will look in depth at Dunst's "star power," examining how "without her" movies such as Marie Antoinette and Bring It On would have been "big flops" (we'll look into why the young starlet is suddenly talking like Bugsy in another Special Report, "Why Even Are the Spidey - 1, 2, 3- and (hopefully!) 4 Stars Talking Like They're Total Dicks?" next week with Paula Zahn).

Also, we agree with Dunst that "if everyone smoked weed, the world would be a better place." And that, because all of Maguire's scenes were "deleted," Empire Records "totally blew cock." Man, she is a whipper-snapper.

Up Next: Why the Virginia Tech Massacre-er was "not even human" according to his suspiciously "Korean" "parents."

Note to self- (if by self I mean, "CNN" blogger): Look into how Dunst is "so sure" that "audiences" aren't "stupid." But first, watch Scrubs, Grey's Anatomy, House, The Apprentice 4, Num3ers and that Pussycat Dolls show. Damn them bitches are hot.

Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend"

Yes, I mentioned this sometime last week or something, but I cannot stress enough how totally fucking RIPPED off "Girlfriend" "by" Avril Lavigne is. The Lush song I'm referencing is called "I Wanna Be Your Girlfriend," and was a B-side to "Ladykillers," in 1996. This version itself was actually a COVER of The Rubinoos song, "I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend." I wanna know why no one seems to give a shit? I'll bet the genius who wrote the song does!!! Man! Do people suck.

UPDATE: Other Posts I have written on This Topic:

A Letter to the "Editors" of Rolling Stone 13 July 2007

Loves It 11 July 2007

Your Dear Media 6 July 2007

Vindication: Avril Lavigne, Lush, and The Rubinoos = Lawsuit 5 July 2007

Hey! Hey! You! You! 23 April 2007

Tobey Maguire: Not Sure About 'Spider-Man 4'

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME???????

Straight from the horse's mouth (CNN): I "love when people make movies that help raise awareness," says the 31-year-old actor, whose films also include "The Cider House Rules" which helped to raise awareness about Cider and Houses, and "Seabiscuit," which helped raise awareness about horses.

When asked if he thought that 'Spider-Man 4' would not, in fact help raise awareness about Spiders and Men, Maguire could not be reached for comment. In a CNN Special Report next week, "How Dedicated to Causes IS Tobey Maguire?: Why the Brunette Hunk Should Be Forced to Play Spider-Man for the Fourth Time, in the Interest of America," fellow Spider-Man 1, Spider-Man 2, and Spider-Man 3 actor James Franco is expected to question Maguire's loyalty to America, and also to ask, "What even better does he have to do then?" Join us.

I swear.

26 April 2007

I Cannot Believe

That people are still watching the otters holding hands. But, having just viewed it for the first time in about three weeks, I understand.

So Watch it yourself

25 April 2007

Amy Winehouse = the New Whitney Houston?

Or the old Steven Tyler? Or maybe the current Keith Richards? The point is, she seems like she's really fucked up.

Mz. Winehouse is aptly named AND she has a new album out. No, I have not heard Back to Black, but I heard Back in Black a bunch of times, and it fucking ripped assholes. Wide open. So I bet that Back 2 Black is nowhere near as good as that. Also, I seriously doubt that she would look as good in short pants as Lars or Yager or whateves his names is.

Dudley? Whatever.

24 April 2007

This is What I'm Listening to Right Now (while making a spreadsheet at work)

Bonfires and forests,
Lamplights and houses,
Warmth obscured.

No cause for worry,
No need to cry
Anymore.

The skies become gray
But don't stay that way.

The creatures you dream of,
The friends that you think of,
Really care.

So open your eyes now,
And look to the skies now:
They're all there.

And trees are too shy
To ever ask why.

(Crazy sounds of genius.)

Ahhhhh... Crow Sit on Blood Tree

Tag! You're... Not It (and Maybe You Never Were!)

So this morning the New York Observer has horrified me once again... no, not the articles dumbass!! the drawings!!! Their renderigs of Chloe, Parker and Claire are fucking horrendous!

So they've invented a new category in the actual article: former "it" girls, take warning - the goal is apparently to become a "wuz" girl. And what does that entail? Hmmm...

Well, you have to have been an "it" girl, for starters, so like, for instance, I'm in the running and you're not.

Then, I think this article says you have to like, be semi-talented and get all dowdy looking. That's basically what they seem to respect about Chloe, anyway: like, the fact that she doesn't look that great in any of her roles. Charlize Theron syndrome, anyone?

I don't mind that she has taken roles that don't require fellatio or showing us a little ankle, and I think she is a fine actress. But I DO mind that such things (or lack of them) still persist as a way to judge a woman in the entertainment industry: "oh i love her cause she's so fashionable" or "oh i love her cause she's not trying to look hot" - well you can,of course have it both ways, but, personally, I prefer it be neither. Just saying.

23 April 2007

Pink Thinks You Outta Know:

She's "not dead."

In other news, Kirstin Dunst claims Pink is "dead to me," and the rest of the world claims not to give a shit about either Dunst or Pink.

Finally, Pink's long-awaited and much-anticipated arch enemy, Fuschia, will debut her debut single, "I'm Not Dead (to Kirstin Dunst)" next week.

Couple Questions

So, dearly beloved CNN.com has decided that it is their place to question what totally dreamy hit television show "The Bachelor" "says" about "women" in their recent (and undoubtedly soon to be Pulitzer-Prize winning headline) story, "What does 'The Bachelor' say about women?" Oh really, CNN.com? Oh really. How interesting. Sure, you remained silent through the first 23 seasons.

I'll tell you what it says about the "real life Dr. McDreamy," it says, uh, he's "the real life Dr. McDreamy," first of all. Who even is writing your articles? How dare you tell me, a living, breathing woman who loves the t.v. what to watch? If I mix my "As the World Turns" in with a little "The Barchelor" every now and again, what right do you have to question what it "says" about me?

Let me ask you something profounder, okay?

What does it, say, like, about the world that like, people all over the place, mad people, like to watch girls behave like whining impetuous bitches? Maybe aren't the lovely ladies of "The Bachelor" just hamming it up for the camera and giving them all what they want of bitches? Maybe?

What says you?

Ain't We Blessed?

Lucky for everyone, Audacious Hopers, my favorite company on the planet, now has their own BLOG: Audacious Hopers' Blog!!! I'm hoping their observations about the shirt business and politics are as astute as their Mission Statement they have on their website. Who even penned that?

Hey! Hey! You! You!

I know that you stole this song!

You know that Lush song, "I Wanna Be Your Girlfriend"? It's a cover. Regardless, it has much, very much in common with the newest Avril Lavigne pile, which I had the displeasure of seeing her "perform" on SNL a few weeks ago. And by "perform," I mean watch her be seemingly weighed down by the size of the ring- I guess that was what was going on, because man, that fucker is gigantic, and you know what? She is like, the least like, engaging artist ever. I might rather watch Ashlee lip-sync. Maybe. Eh. What the hell. Buy the fucking album anyway.

Update: Here are all the other posts I've written about the development of this scandal:

A Letter to the "Editors" of Rolling Stone 13 July 2007

Loves It 11 July 2007

Your Dear Media 6 July 2007

Vindication: Avril Lavigne, Lush, and The Rubinoos = Lawsuit 5 July 2007

Avril Lavinge's "Girlfriend" 30 April 2007

20 April 2007

CNN Queries: "How Are YOU Honoring the Victims?"

Well, may I turn the table for just a moment? How are you honoring the dead, dear CNN?

Oh that's right. By beating the stories into the ground. By constructing truly tasteless, uncouth headlines not worthy of an 8-year old. By being yourself.

19 April 2007

I Don't Know Why

But it's really semi-annoying to me that Charlotte Gainsbourg is "doing" a musical career now. I have always liked her, in spite of the fact that, she's a "model" and not very good looking (because her mother was a total fox we give her a pass) and an "actress" that... ditto to that about her mom too, but now... this. Now she's "releasing" an album- I don't know: lyrics by Jarv Cocker, music by some guys called "Air" which is like a French word for something awesome, and also a bunch of other French people that only college students in America care about. JK. KO. Do we quietly give her another pass? I mean, I didn't tell her when, back in 1997, she was in a Vogue layout that, in fact, she is not exactly "Vogue" calibur material - (alas, neither am I but... well, I'm not in the fucking magazine!) She, like Britney Spears, gets all the best people to work with in... France.

I hope this album rules. Unfortunately, I am afraid it's going to be Milla Jovovich Part II- where it sucks, but no one tells her and a bunch of indie people insist on playing it at parties and telling everyone how cool it is. Lucky for me, I never go to parties.

CNN 'Massacres' Headlines too Numerous to Enumerate

But I'm going to try.

I'm not making fun of the actual story, mind you: I think the fact that some crazed lunatic monster... wait.

CNN is at least partially to blame for the insane rage of many Americans. Their headlines are so fucking red. They're out to sell - I don't know - internets?

Laundry list of today's "top stories":

-Killer "was not a man" Okay... what was he then? Are you sure you're not quoting someone being hyperbolic? Don't you think it's your job to report actual news, not just the feelings of a bunch of kids who are real upset that some fucked up shit happened to them? Do us a real service, please, don't try to inflame me further. God! I'm so pissed off!!

-Venom from the Grave: Okay, I admit I did not even click on this one, but again, did he actually spew venom from the grave? Or did the care package just not get there until after the shit hit the fan? Why don't you report something about why the "lunatic loner monster" was able to kill a few people, go to the mailbox and send some love our way, then return two hours later to the scene of the crime and do some "real" damage? I do not think this is a scenario where blame is necessary or inevitable, but we SHOULD at least ask the fucking questions. Stop trying to get a "glimpse of his psyche" for a fucking second and ask yourself, just in literal, logistical terms, "how did this happen?" How did this happen? You can't shut the place down?

-Photos, video of campus shooting: need I say "gratuitous"? I'm all for freedom of information but, really. Give me photos. Give me video. I don't require both.

This last article draws the inevitable parallel between the shooter and the Korean revenge movie, Oldboy. That doesn't bother me. What does bother me is that 3 down headline CNN has written:
"At least one blogger has dismissed connection." REALLY? Awesome. Was it me? I'm a blogger. You guys seriously are fucking slacking. Also, a lot of these massacre posts are at least semi-racist. He was a loner. WOW. Insightful and seemingly suspicious. Know who else was a loner? Abraham Lincoln. How many people did he kill at Virginia Tech? Get on that smoking lead I just gave you, assholes.

Not to be outdone, however, FOX News poignantly wonders if the devil made hime do it, and offers us some advice: How to Spot a Psycho. Tight. Real tight. Subtle, too.

In Your Concrete Arms, I Adore

Okay. So Greenpoint is not song-worthy Londontown, that's for sure. But for now, it's home. And I've got a few things to say about it: it just got a Starbucks (which I am alternately slashing my wrists and elated about, depending upon how much coffee I have had), it's getting a BP (something that I'm pretty sure a certain man I know is stoked about), AND now this? A possible historical Landmark?! So says Curbed about the old Eberhard Faber pencil facotry. Did you know Greenpoint was once a pencil-making hub? Did you? On to more important items, like Kirsten Dunst, and Barack Obama t-shirts

02 April 2007

Who Am I To Judge

PItchfork Media reports this morning that Isaac Brock has now apparently cut himself on stage not one, but TWO times, and at least one of these occassions is available for viewing on YouTube. Anyhoo, I was feeling positive this morning, and wanted to you know, look into exonerating the little dude from possible allegations that he's like, a total fucking wacko.

First place I do research is always Wikipedia. So I shoot on over there, only to find that, in addition to being a "cutter," old M. Brock has also been accused of rape (no charges ever brought so bunk were they), had a dui in which he was also held on "attempted murder" charges, and is a huge drunk.

All I can say is, I'm no longer surprised that frat boys fucking did Modest Mouse so much.

01 April 2007

Madonna Records Update

Yeah, I got this this weekend. It has a Scritti Politti song on it. AND Club Nouveau!!!!

30 April 2007

You Straighten Your Hair, Don't You,

Holy Crap

Ceci n'est pas une pipe

Update: Dunst: 'Spidey 4' without us? 'It'd be a big flop'

Avril Lavigne's "Girlfriend"

Tobey Maguire: Not Sure About 'Spider-Man 4'

26 April 2007

I Cannot Believe

25 April 2007

Amy Winehouse = the New Whitney Houston?

24 April 2007

This is What I'm Listening to Right Now (while making a spreadsheet at work)

Tag! You're... Not It (and Maybe You Never Were!)

23 April 2007

Pink Thinks You Outta Know:

Couple Questions

Ain't We Blessed?

Hey! Hey! You! You!

20 April 2007

CNN Queries: "How Are YOU Honoring the Victims?"

19 April 2007

I Don't Know Why

CNN 'Massacres' Headlines too Numerous to Enumerate

In Your Concrete Arms, I Adore

02 April 2007

Who Am I To Judge

01 April 2007

Madonna Records Update

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