CNN: Screenshot Thursday

Okay. Let's see what we have here.
1. Freedom poses challenges for former hostages. Sure, but, I'm going to venture to guess it doesn't actually pose as many 'challenges' as being hostages did.
2. Wildfire descends on storied tourist town. Well, that's dramatic and alliterative.
3. 'Beautiful person' died on hospital floor. Well, she wasn't as beautiful as Gwyneth Paltrow, I guess, cause, you know, if she had been rich and beautiful, she wouldn't have been neglected to death now, would she?
4. Stars' passport files viewed repeatedly. And now we have the inverse of story 3. Someone's been viewing a celebrity's passport?! The HORROR. Well, you know, if anyone's been 'viewing my passport,' I doubt CNN would do me the favor of telling me about it.
5. CNNMoney: State goes to four-day week. One question. WHICH ONE? As long as it's not Ohio, I'm totally there dude.
6. CNNMoney: Poll ranks environment, economy. Well, thanks! That's informative. As long as they were ranked, that's enough for me!
7. Senator pushes national speed limit to save gas. Mmm. K. I push all sorts of bad ideas that are disgracefully behind the times too, but no one gives me any air time or consdieration. :(
8. YouTube ordered to reveal its viewers. What this headline doesn't reveal is that YouTube has actually been ordered to reveal its viewer's assholes!
9. Ticker: Poll shows troubling trend for McCain. Yes, everyone has realized that death is imminent and they don't want to vote for him.
10. Obama will 'continue to refine' Iraq policies. I'm glad someone is refining policies already!
11. 19th Dallas County inmate freed by DNA. Who's this fucking DNA character? I want him in my office ASAP. There's 12 or so Dz****ns who need off some DUI charges.
12. Longtime Bozo the Clown dead at 83
iReport.com: Share your 'Bozo' memories. Yeah, I took these two together. Alone they were just depressing. Together? Creepy but hilarious!
13. 'Dumpster Muffin' down; 3 tree-sitters remain. I don't know!!!
14. What kind of 'friends' are A-Rod and Madonna?. Well. I think we can all 'surmise' by your cute use of 'quotation' marks, now, can't we?
15. Man reveals all about July Fourth. Really? All? I'm there.
Okay, I'm gonna skip a few here, and just head for the money shot of CNN's headlines for the night:
16. Tape shows van explode into fireball. G'night.