30 April 2008
Dear MTV (My Idea for a "Hills" spinoff)
Look, everyone knows that not only has "The Hills" jumped the shark, that shark is dead, dead dead and he's stinking up the garbage!! Yeah, of course I'm still going to tune in-- I like watching Lauren be a bitch to poor Audrina, and I hate Lo so much I want to smash the teevee in every time I spy her fucking stupid soon-to-be housewife in the Valley and unhappily married face (sorry girls, that's just who she is!!) So of course I'm WATCHING. But I'm BORED because it's so BORING!! Everyone knows it.
So-- I have a new show for you: One concept (spinoff the only things you really have going for you on "The Hills" these days into some REAL gold) and two words: Cutrone and Bolthouse. FUCKING SMASH. Listen-- I know you're thinking -- but they're too OLD -- the whole POINT of "The Hills" is how young and stupid they are. I'm not saying Heidi and Lauren and Whitney can't be on "The Chills," as I've decided it should be called-- but that they should be constantly berated and side-lined underlings who only get camera time when "the bosses" deem is necessary that they be SCREAMED at. Look, who are we trying to kid anyway? The real audience for "The Hills" (the one that matters, anyway) is Perez Hilton, Gawker, Jezebel, (those asses that do the AfterShow, for Christ's SAKE)etc-- the INTERNET. And believe me, they're old and they'd love nothing more than to see "The Hills" girls being bludgeoned to death on a weekly basis. All in good fun, of course. We all know that Bolthouse and Cutrone are the glue holding this fucking piece together at this point -- Brent is shyer, drier and has a more under-the-radar way of making his underlings feel like stains while Kelly, well she's your classic bitch but FUCK does she get things done! I mean, when she says she wants the lights to start out red and then fade to blue-- they do. When she asks a question Whitney starts "umming" before she even knows what's being asked or of who. These are the powerhouses, the movers, and they should be the real stars. Come on, you know I'm right.
Tags:
brent bolthouse,
kelly cutrone,
mtv,
the hills
Book Review: The Information by Martin Amis (1995)
This novel was written, shockingly, the year I graduated high school. Would that I had read it then-- Mr. Amis and I were exploring the same territory -- the mid-life crisis. I didn't discover Martin Amis at all until 1996, and when I did, it was an old copy of "Success" in my university library one boring afternoon when I had a cup of coffee, no money for lunch, and about two hours to kill until my class on Weimar and Nazi Germany. If I recall correctly, I never made it to class that day -- I just stayed on in the library until I'd eaten "Success" all up. Only when finished did I flip the book over to see -- to my surprise, a rather dashing young man who appeared to have actual zits when the publicity photo was taken. Thus began my love affair with Martin Amis.
After "Success," I read "The Rachel Papers," which pretty much sealed the deal for me: this was my man for the 20th century-- nevermind the fact that I was about 20 years behind in Amis' work. (But hey! this was the first time in years I'd read ANYTHING written post 1830 so fuck off! I was modernizing by anyone's standards!) I was a busy girl, and it took me some time to catch up. In fact, I still haven't. Amis' work is, as anyone who has read him surely knows, difficult-- not in the way that say, Adorno is difficult, but, it's so terribly awful that I often feel dirty inside. That said, I have a certain method for reading Amis: most of the time, I don't. I'll go years at a time without even glimpsing at that section of the "A's" on my book shelf: I owned "Time's Arrow" for months before I even cracked it open. I just couldn't bring myself to. But, in the second step of my "method," once I cracked the book open, I read it in one sitting.
My recent reading of "The Information" was NOT in one sitting-- it is rather long for that, but I read it very fast-- in several days. I eat Amis books. It's like a drinking binge, in fact -- while you're doing it, you feel like maybe, just maybe, you'd like it to go on until sunup. But, then the sun does come up, and well -- you just want to forget it has happened. What marked off this reading from the others? This was the second time I'd read "The Information."
The number of books I've read is few and far between: "Jane Eyre," "Wuthering Heights," an odd Dickens -- "Gone with the Wind," and I'm sure a few others: but not many. This book bore a re-read, and it didn't fail to impress me.
A writer writing about writing-- not the process of writing -- for Martin barely goes there- he describes the office of his hero -- filthy and smoke-sodden-- but the banal day to day activities of a writer -- trying to get gigs and filling the paycheck gap with a little vanity press job -- is painful and utterly hilarious, if only because it rings so true. Highlighting that oft-trodden territory of the "starving" middle class artist -- once so promising in his early career now reduced to housewifery while his dullest and oldest mate makes it big with a bloodless boring "page turner" -- Martin fills his reader with the dread, the anxiety, and the vomit in the mouth feeling that seems to inform Richard's entire journey. Martin Amis must surely be a jubilant prick in real life, and thank god for that. What is brilliant about this book, is that no matter how sweet a fuck you are, whilst reading "The Information," you're rooting, along with Richard and presumably Amis himself, for someone to just fuck Gwyn up already.
Or maybe I'm just a jubilant prick.
25 April 2008
Screen Shot Friday
Let's see:
-Yup, animals (this week massive snakes and a hungry shark) are still big.
-"Shark suspected in swimmer's death." He remains at large, but the friends and family of the swimmer (have seen Jaws, and they) want justice.
-"Student "Twitters" his way out of jail." Oh really? Well, I'd like to fucking twitter my way off the planet so have him twitter me how he did that, okay?
-"Prank promotes sex, booze after prom." Well, guys, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but that shit don't need any promoting after the prom. It kinda "promotes itself, what with it being the whole point of going to the prom and all.
-You know what? It's late. Read the fucking headlines yourself in all their non-informing, insane glory. I'll see you in the AM.
Tags:
CNN,
news,
screenshots
22 April 2008
CNN Liveblog: The Battle for Pennsylvania
I haven't found a cheeky image yet.
UPDATE: I HAVE A beautiful image. But BLOGGER SUUUUHHHCCCKS
TA DA. MAI IMAGE. LOL AT IT.
8:07 pm. The polls close in PA. Wolf Blitzer has a visible erection
8:08 pm. Blitzer loves to reiterate it's a competitive race. He's consultin' with Campbell Brown and John King now. They're debating how many points, in "simple math" Clinton needs to win by.
8:10 pm. I love their war room style table. Donna Brazile just gave Campbell Brown the stink eye. I shit you now. Roland's pink tie is fierce.
8:11 pm. Superdelegates are going to speak out later this week. That's what the guy on the far right with the glasses says. His tie simply is not competitive with Roland's.
8:13 pm. Gloria Borger just lost her train of thought. Can't blame her.
8:14 pm. Commercial break. Where the fuck is Anderson Cooper? Covering Earth Day???!!!
8:16 pm. I don't know, maybe this Head On shit works.
8:17 pm. We're talking the white male vote with Soledad O'Brian who is apparently going out for fucking martinis after the show. Hot dress, bitch!
8:20 pm. They're now fighting over who got the coveted "Napoleon Dynamite Vote" JK I wish.
8:23 pm. Begala just dropped in a reference to W.'s DUI. LOL and we also heard the word "misremembering!!!!!!!!!!"
8:26 pm. There might be a fist fight at the table. And Blogger is fucking overloaded by my updates apparently. Totally crapped out.
8:27 pm. They are fucking PISSEDDDDD
8:29 pm. Campbell Brown just put her foot down, ended the fight and went to commercial. But she doesn't know that navy and black, IMHO, just don't match.
8:33 pm. Blitzer is slinging some possible scenarios our way. I love possible scenarios. Scenario number two, I've just learned, is very similar to Scenario number one.
8:36 pm. I really can't make heads or tails of any of these scenarios. I don't have any idea what they're talking about. Also, even though Blitzer just referred to Scenario Three as a "tight scenario" I'm pretty sure ONLY John King knows what's going on at this point. They are obviously just filling air here. Spinning their wheels waiting for what Wolf likes to refer to as "the hard numbers."
8:38 pm. Blitzer a little too excited when he reminds us that PUERTO RICO is yet to head to the polls.
8:39 pm. Younger voters go solidly for Obama. Unfortunately, only 7 of them "flocked" to the polls.
8:40 pm. PA has the 2nd oldest population in the Country. So glad I left.
8:41 pm. Blitzer is an alien. I've decided. They've just debuted the "League of First Time Voters." Sounds titillating!
8:42 pm. Real numbers in. 65-35. Of course, that is literally only counting about 2,000 votes total. But man, Blitzer seems to think its portentous!!! It's, according to Blitzer, just to drop a "little flavor" on us for the night.
8:46 pm. I just checked in on "the competition." That's Joshua Topolsky and Daily Kos. Kos, stunningly, is fucking TROUNCING me tonight. NOT a competitive race, but I'm not gonna call a winner at this point. The stakes are, quite frankly, too high.
8:47 pm. Talking BC now (that's Bill Clinton for all losers not down with my fucking lingo). Is it me? Or is Campbell Brown kinda waving her tits around as she stands in front of that sausage infested table (sorry, Donna, you're way outnumbered).
8:48 pm. Still talking BC. I'm gonna predict this goes another six, seven minutes. Time for a fucking smoke. Of PCP laced Hashish.
8:50 pm. This fat guy seems like he wants to reach across the aisle. And bang (Hillary) Clinton. And Begalla is licking (Bill) Clinton's balls. It's embarrassing.
8:51 pm. I sure hope they check in with Candy Crowley soon. She's morose but at least she talks some fuckin' sense. Donna Brazile's makeup is FLAWLESS.
8:53 pm. We all have a laugh at how shitty a bowler Obama is.
8:54 pm. Where the fuck is Anderson. They're almost ready to call. Obama just passed Clinton in the Philly region (what Josh calls the nexus of all that is painful and negative in the world) even if only for a fleeting moment. Please let our "dream scenario" come true. We'll become churchgoers I swear, if he can pull this off.
8:55 pm. Blitzer's signing off for a minute. To take a swig of Absinthe and have a quick rub-off onto a 7 year old boy before returning to crunch the digits.
8:56 pm. Josh is flagging.
8:58 pm. Never mind GOD. fuck you. You're not real, anyway. The other 2 shitty television news stations have already called it for Clinton. It's only a matter of time before CNN falls too. HO HUM.
9:01 pm. Smoking a fag now. Much more relaxed. Though, I still have to face this nagging depression as a result of, you know, everything totally sucking.
9:03 pm. My toe hurts. Bad. John King is "blah blah blahing" some more.
9:04 pm. Crunching numbers. They played the sound. They're projecting for Clinton. FUCK man. Not surprising, but still s-h-i-t-t-y, shitty.
9:05 pm. Josh just said he can't watch her speech. Candy's gloating in Philly.
21 April 2008
Passover 2008
I'm new to Passover cooking, but I was pretty excited to give it my best go. We assembled a crew of 6 (4 guests plus Josh and I). I spent part of Friday and most of Saturday cooking and preparing. I love having dinners, so I gave it my best go. There was only one real misstep.
Here's what I made:
Beef Brisket marinated in tomatoes, red wine, onions, carrots and celery. It was about 5 lbs., and 3 of our guests were vegetarians, so let me know if you're hungry. We still have some.
Scalloped Potatoes - a recipe my mother taught me, that pretty much always goes my way. It did.
Hard Boiled Eggs
Olives
Spinach Salad with Grapefruit, Oranges, Avocados, and Tangerine Shallot Dressing (Thanks to the Joy of Cooking)
Glazed Carrots and Parsnips - first time I've made Parsnips and YUMMMMM.
Roasted Asparagus - I forgot this in the OVEN and we never even ate it BOOOOOOOOOO.
Darlene made the best Flourless Chocolate Cake I've ever had. With Accompanying chocolate sauce!
We also had Strawberries with whipped cream that I made, Chocolate Macaroons, and apples with honey.
Who can forget the horsradish, Gefilte Fish and Matzo?
OH WAIT. I also made Matzo Ball Soup!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And it was better than the first time I made it! It was DELICIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Gefilte Fish, much to Josh's surprise, was a huge hit.
The only low point came on Friday, when I decided to home make the Beet Horseradish.... NOT worth it. I grated the horseradish for EVER, cooked the beets for EVER, and ended up with a mushy mess that wasn't hot enough and was too SALTY. Will probably not try this again... but I don't like taking things out of cans, jars or boxes to serve to people and can get very stubborn about it.
All in all, quite a food extravaganza.
20 April 2008
No Offense to the Pope
...but I really think he needs to update his look.
And his fucking philosophy.
Tags:
catholic church,
fashion,
lunacy,
the pope,
yankee stadium
New Madonna Leaked Today
Perez told me so.
UPDATE:
I'm listenin to it now....yep, it sucks
Tags:
hard candy,
leak,
madonna
19 April 2008
Fresh Direct: Packing Shit Up Right.
This is not a joke. They packed and taped up a box. With one can of kidney beans in it. And brought it to us.
17 April 2008
16 April 2008
Martha Stewart's Heart Tugging Grief
I have a long-term love affair with Martha Stewart. She's hilarious on Conan, and every recipe she ever penned is sooo good!!!
So it doesn't surprise me that we have something besides our love of a good laugh and a good dish in common. We both love expensive sheets. Just kidding. We are both wild about our pets. I was deflated when I heard that Martha's dog had died. Alas, I lost my darling in October. I even felt truly sad when I read her blog post about him on Gawker yesterday.
But. the. photos.
Please, don't look unless you're ready to cry.
Martha, you're a real trooper for doing this. It's very beautiful.
Love,
Laura
UPDATE. I just looked at it again. And am crying. Again.
Tags:
death,
dogs,
martha stewart,
Pets
Springsteen for Obama
Dear The Boss,
We heart u, and are really glad you have finally made up your mind. Your timing is really good.
Tags:
barack obama,
bruce springsteen,
endorsement
15 April 2008
Seriously: The Plastic Surgery Shit HAS to Stop
I am really glad that Jezebel, in response to this article in the LA Times, furthered the discussion. The topic? How fucked up some faces on television have become (via Botox or plastic surgery) and how we are just not supposed to SAY ANYTHING. I think people fear it will reek of sexism to say "hey, you got work done!!" The problem is, that the work is all anyone can see any more!! I don't mind "work" in THEORY, but, in practice, it looks really SCARY. You don't end up looking like a younger version of yourself, or even younger at all. You look like a fucked up alien lunatic who has had tons of shit done to their face.
CASE IN POINT. Heidi Montag. Is 22 FUCKING YEARS OLD. And she looks like a 43 year old mother of 4. FROM FUCKING JUPITER. No offense. She was a really darling, cute girl, and whoever did the work to her should be in prison. It's a crime -- to allow basically a child to do that to their face. No offense baby, but you look like ass.
Anyway, I'm glad the discussion has started. We should not shy away from the tough topics.
Tags:
botox,
celebrities,
plastic surgery
Arianna Huffington says everything I wanted to, so I don't have to
About Hillary Clinton... and her use of Republican tactics to bring Obama down. I've been wanting to write something about the drivel for days now, but have been so spitting mad that I found myself unable to even approach the topic. Thanks, Arianna!!!
14 April 2008
13 April 2008
Prom Night
"High school teacher fell in love with a student then he went psycho.
THIS is the #1 movie in America?
Tags:
box office,
movies,
prom night
12 April 2008
11 April 2008
Quilting Update: My husband is relentlessly unimpressed
Tags:
color wheel quilt,
crafts,
quilting,
quilts,
Sewing
Quilting Update: There are no limits to how recklessly I baste
Though it's hard to see in the photos, trust me: I'm a wild woman.
Tags:
color wheel quilt,
crafts,
quilting,
Sewing
09 April 2008
08 April 2008
Penny gets some free press
I can't help but feel pretty proud. She takes such a wonderful picture, too!!! The photo was taken by Ben Lowy, who loves dogs. The photo used in the print version of The Fader features Penny defying gravity.
Tags:
brothers,
penny post,
the fader
07 April 2008
Top HALF!!!!!
I left the ragged bottom edge in, just to prove to Natalie that a robot didn't make it... i.e. "not perfect." But I get better at hiding my mistakes all the time. What I like best about my work here so far is that there is very little puckering anywhere. Family Heirloom Numero Uno?!
First Quadrant
I have previously made one quilt-- it was for a baby. It had a lot of hand applique work on it which was hard. I took no pictures of it, because I'm an idiot. Anyway, I've always wanted to make another. Here's the first quarter of one I've been working on. I didn't do the design at all -- I'm not that adept at quilting yet. It's from a book which I'll say more about later.
04 April 2008
No Offense to the Pregnant Dude
.... but he's not a dude. Just a girl taking hormones. More commonly known as a "transgendered" person. And she/he's being used to sell shit. I'm stoked that she/he's having a baby, but being a she/he... it means, you know, she/he's got a uterus, and... a vagina.
It's kinda like saying a girl wearing a dildo having sex with a woman is... a man having sex with a woman.
Tags:
pregnant man
Screen Shot Friday
They make it so easy.
Top Story:
1. "Dozens" of children taken from polygamist ranch. Is the photo of some of the dozens? Cause they look well-cared for!
2. Map: Where Jeffs' followers are scattered: In case you want to hunt 'em out of their hiding places!
Latest News:
1. Storms sweep across Southeast. Cool.
2. Pirates seize French luxury yacht. Uhh dude, that's Johnny Depp.
3. CNN Money: What job losses could mean to you. (HINT: loss of your job)
4. Iraq report "too rosy" Dems say. Since when do we call them "Dems"? I'll do it-- but only if we agree to call Republicans "Pubes."
5. Man kills wifes doctor, police say. FUCK. Where's the subject?
6. Glenn Beck: Total knob.
7. Shark crunches teen swimmers foot, leg. Just say what you wanted to say: MUNCHES.
8. Car smacks house, scatters snakes, lizards
9. AND if you haven't had your fill of whacky animal stories for the day: Fanged pond creature confounds officials.
I tell you, it's just like reading the Enquirer in the 1980's before it got all newsy!